The life of Me

2008-09-22T15:33:00.000-07:00

FUCK NICOLE AND RUSSELL!!! TAKE ON THE D.A.!!!!

A night from heaven and Hell

2008-08-15T20:39:00.000-07:00

My night started off by showing up at Evans house to pre-game. I was not planning on drinking what so ever but decided to have 2 or 3 shots with some new friends. Conversing and chilling among us all as we headed out the door to the club over in Hollywood. Evan was different this night as well as the last thursday we went out. Goldenboy by the way had not gone as he decided to stay in and take it easy after 2 weeks of partying. So back to the club. Now only 2 boys to worry about but at the moment all of my energy was focused on Evan. We danced to Madonnas birthday in a packed club full of hot sweaty boys. Only a few hot ones though. As we danced we grinded. 2 hours had passed of rough hip gyrating and pelvic thrusting that no one would complain about but I needed to take a break and go potty LOL. As I headed to the bathroom i ran into Roy. We chatted for a while and flirted as guys purposely brushed into me, grabbed me, fondled me, and even gave cards to me. I parted to return to Evan. Walking past the bar I saw his roommate. Her and I talked about Evan and of course I pried it out of her to spill the beans about what he thinks of me. She blurted the words that it's been all good things. I smiled and knew the ball was in my court. Apparently Damon is a fairy and doesn't understand the sports concept (sigh). We walked over to the floor only to be grabbed by our friend Lane. Him and his friends were leaving so I had to wait out front for my keys to get dropped off so I could have Evan drive me home. As I waited out front, I was approached and howled at by many men in a manner so vulgar I wanted to puke. I got my keys and walked back in. Evan and I danced the night away. We needed to leave so he could drive everyone home. As we arrived back to Evans house we said our good byes and eyed each other slowly. We both had the same thought on our mind. I headed home at 3 am after I got gas in Sherman oaks. Welcome to hell. As I was driving I got pulled over. At first it seemed as the cop was trying to go around me but apparently not. This was no typical cop pull over. No lights were flashing, it was just 2 plain red lights lit up behind my car. I pulled off the freeway. As the cop approached my car I turned my engine off and pulled the keys out and gathered the appropriate paper work. Then came the eye test. I passed. "No doubt about that," the police officer replied. I had no reason to worry. I had 2 or 3 shots at 930 and it was now 315 am. The officer told me that just to be sure they would like me to step out of my car and do a breathalyzer test. I blew into it and was told they were going to do 1 more reading in 15 minutes to double check the results. At this point I was told by the man that he was not going to cite me for my car be licensed out of state. I replied I was in school and it was not necessary for me to do so, he also agreed but he said it can be an issue and when they see people driving with out of state plates they try to find reasons to pull them over and see if they are evading registering the vehicle in the state. So at this point I'm pissed. I was not given my 15 minute grace period between blows instead I was given 3 minutes. I blew a .031. Illegal in the state of California for a minor to blow more than a .o1. The officer even stated I was ok to drive but this is just procedure. So at this point I'm freaking out I was going to get a DUI. I asked the officers if I was and they said no, instead it was more of an infraction. These officers were stupid. they had to get on there cell phones and call other officers to find out what the procedure was for this. I knew I was being screwed with. I had also drinkin NyQuil that night which will cause you to blow more. At this point I had to call Evan to come pick me up since I was not going to be arrested and my car was going to be towed. He showed up like a knight in shining armor. They even checked him which was a joke due to the fact that Evan was mormon and was a straight edge. They released me and I was on my way. Relieved as I was at the same time my head was spinning. We arrived at Evans where I laid on the floor right next to his bed after changing into my basketball shorts and v-neck. We talked lightly as he tossed and turned in his bed. Evan has a twin by the way. At one point he rolled over the side of the bed and asked me if I was all right or if anything was wrong. I replied that I was fine and not upset about what happened but more in awe that it actually happened. We talked a little bit as he ended up stating that I didn't have to sleep on the floor. i felt bad if I was going to get into bed with him given the size of his bed and me. So i declined and said that I didn't want to take his bed over. I slapped myself across the face in my mind wondering what the fuck I had done. It was pure word vomit. He laid on the edge as the moonlight came through the blinds and gently touched his face. I kept looking into the dark spaces which I made out to be his eyes, scanning them vicariously to see if he was staring back. I came to the conclusion he was opening them and closing them trying to see if I was doing the same. I turned on my side and faced him. I sat there silently and at the very moment that I closed my eyes, the hand closest to my face was suddenly grabbed. I was shocked in the fact I was not expecting it at all yet slightly turned on that it actually happened. I grasped his hand back as we began to gently rub our hands and fingers together in a provocative way. Our fingers did not stay fixated on our hands as they moved to our arms as well. he grasped my fingers and gently puled on them as he had moved over in his bed and I could no longer see his face. I told him I was going to take him up on his offer and jump into bed with him. We cuddled closely and began to rub each others faces, sides, arms, and hands. We got so close I could feel his heart beat in his face. Our lips lined up as if they were meant to be and I slowly leaned in and closed the already minimal space between them and kissed him. he returned gladly. That single kiss began slowly and turned into one of the hottest make out sessions I have ever had in a moonlit room on a small bed. An hour had past as we fell asleep in each others arms, As we awoke multiple times we pulled each other into our bodies and held each other tight. That make out session did not end last night. It was just put on pause! It continued this morning as our bodies intertwined with each other in a way I have never done so before. We arose and said hello to his friends that drove in from out of state to spend the weekend with him. I called my siblings in Sac to fill them in on what happened knowing they would be understanding and agreed I got jacked. I later called my mom after breakfast with everyone and surprisingly found her ok with what had happened. She was mad that I had drinkin then driven but I assured her i could've done worse but ultimately made a mistake in the end. She is supporting me through all of this and is only concerned with the future this will bring. I had to wait for her to fax down a copy of her drivers license to the towing place so I could pick it up. In the mean time Evan and his other gay friends and I headed to Rodeo, that's pronounced Ro-day-o for you non-cool people. ;) We headed over to Sprinkles to indulge on one of the 7 sins! Totally worth it given my state of being and everything. Sprinkles can make everything better. After waiting in line for 30 minutes to eat a Pumpkin cup cake we headed back towards the tow company. On the drive Evan and I held hands in the car in a way that you could tell we were into each other. Just barely touching but in a manner by just holding each other fingers. After bailing out my car at an amount of 210 bucks for less then 12 hours. Evan jumped in my car. Manual cars are not made for love birds. There is always constant shifting to be done. We held hands as I learned to get around by shifting by reaching over with my left hand. We rode over to Zuma beach as our friends followed. A few body surfing sessions were in order. We rode a few and headed back into the comfort of the soft sand. We chilled for a while and headed back to our cars given I had to get back to SB and take care of my life. We texted a few times and gave each other crap about stuff. I can see a future with Evan given the man picked me up at 4 am to keep my ass out of jail. He is definitely someone I can depend on. The more I think about the way we held hands and the way he comforted me the night before made me feel so good. Like I had someone there for me and that everything was going to be all right. I was protected. I was complete. It is still to early to tell what could come of this relationship so I will just have to wait. I find myself missing him comforting me and wishing he was here in Santa Barbara. Tonight will be a very chill night without drinking, ever again. Last night was a wake up call for me to realize you can still have fun without alcohol. I can't afford to go through anything like this again. I have lost a brand new 328i BMW because of this huge ordeal and I will not let this happen again. As for now I am watching the Olympics and cheering on my Santa Barbaran Olympians in Mens volleyball!! Mika saved my day today for music as well as some other stuff. Check him out, you'll love it!!!

Let's see what happens!

2008-08-14T09:59:00.000-07:00

I was awoken yesterday by a rather blue morning. Restricted as air could be, I could barely breathe. A cold had struck me down while I had been helplessly sleeping. here I come. Echinacea. A miracle drug I have decided that is truly a miracle drug none the less. It has saved me multiple times killing the virus that lurks within me in only a couple of days. Gym shorts, sweats, socks, a T, sweatshirt, and an old blanket my mom made me when I was kid consumed my body for the day. My couch was my resting place as I did not budge in attempt to sweat this fucker out. Cold sweats above the lip multiple times throughout the day. I had a craving for soup by the time night fell. At this point all of my roommates decided it was time to lurk in my kitchen and annoy the shit out of me. As of 8 o'clock i was blessed with the joy of being able to listen to the sound of guns and explosions as well as 12 year old boys bitching about how they died playing Call of Duty on Xbox along with my roommates. Do people ever grow up? I mean, the occasional game is fun and all but how old are we? Your playing with 12 year olds for christ sake. Grow up!!! So in turn I bring my computer out and become a facebook whore. I headed off in a hungry manner in search of food. I drove down the main street by my house which is full of mom and pop ethnic restaurants. I saw a small restaurant that sold vietnamese food at a very cheap price. I questioned it at first but said whatever. Egg drop soup accompanied by some Won Ton soup was to die for. Cleared me up and helped me pass out!!!! I sat on the phone for 2 hours last night talking to my friend Morgan who is now gay. We've been talking almost everyday for at least a minimum of 2 hours each night with texting from sun up to sun down. I have a crush on Morgan. yet he no longer lives in Santa Barbara and moved away for school in Florida. We have a relationship though regardless of what we both say. Our conversations are full of typical boyfriend and boyfriend lingo and stereotypical conversations just so you can talk to one another. We both do not call it out but we both know it's there. Eventually one of us will have to confess our love for each other at some point in time. Goldenboy wanted to spend a little time with me last night if we were able to smoke but trying to find someone with trees at 11 pm is not easy. I dozed off and finally passed out while watching Big Fish. One of the most amazing movies I have ever seen. Definitely in my top 10. I woke this morning only a few hours ago to realize the majority of my cold was gone. Now I had a cough accompanied by a small runny/congested nose. Definitely good enough to go out tonight. Speaking of tonight, this could get interesting, it could turn out to be one of my most eventful and colorful blogs you could read. Tonight includes pre-gaming at Evans house then heading off to TigerHeat in LA for Evans Birthday. Goldenboy has also requested to tag along a he is from Napa and has not really experienced a whole lot in LA. So far 2 of my crushes in the same place at a gay club? That will be interesting. I've been trying to process that one all week. I was also informed that an acquaintance of mine is also going to be there. Roy. A very handsom guy accentuated by dirty blonde hair and blue eyes, tan skin, fit body, and a perfect smile. Definitely my type. So what the hell now? 3 hot boys that in one place with me that I have crushes on? I am FUCKED!!!! What to do? Evan has been pretty adamant about me showing up tonight for his birthday night outing which is good. Goldenboy has been consistent on talking and texting me and Roy has been almost pretty blunt about everything with me, or I with him straight up telling him he was cute and he said holler. Good I'd say. The night will be filled with debauchery and sin from what I can tell. At least my night won't be boring! Guess we will wait and see.

P.S> I can't stand it when people wear 2 different colored socks. None the less wearing only 1 sock. My roommate has managed to pull off both in less than 12 hours!!!!! It freaks me out and I'm going to cut his feet off if he does it again! AAAANnnnnnnddd his toes are weird Tyler!

All build up and no release.

2008-08-12T22:01:00.000-07:00

To answer everyones question... yes, I died. So much has gone on and so much has passed. I let myself slip and fall between the cracks and slowly forgot about my writing. My memory ceased to remember the sweet satisfaction and release I urged for. SO....

It all begins with last week where I left off ranting and raving about that amazing apartment in MDR, well... it was a scam if I ever saw one. These people tried to used jesus as a scape goat of all things. All sorts of new things with Goldenboy have occurred. We found ourselves texting a lot more. We hung out a few more times among some new friends of ours while resisting the urge to pounce on him like there were no tomorrow. A Gay Day Thursday was in order. I headed to the clubs later on in the week with a friend. I lost the friend in the midst of the people grabbing my ass and hollering at me to come dance and do many other things. I saw a friend I usually attend with on these Gay outing we have. A fellow gay, Evan. I cannot reconcile if I have mentioned Evan at any point in the history of my blogs. For a quick recap: I have had this odd school boy crush on Evan. A crush somewhat near the one I have for Goldenboy. Not my usual type at all. He is taller, skinnier and has that boy next door look. Something apparently I fall for now instead of my usual plate of hot hunky men with washboard abs I could clean my underwear on accentuated by a symmetrical face and figure. Evan is somewhat of a provocative dancer. The type that dances the way most people do when they are drunk. Evan does not drink despite his ripe old age of 22. Something about that I find classy. That night it was just Evan and I. No friends, phones, or interruptions. Our bodies tangoed as we owned the dance floor while Danity kane took the stage. Most people you dance with in a club usually let go of you when there isn't a song playing or someone is talking on the mic. Not this time. Evan and I have had dance history before. This time was different. Better. As we danced his face would slowly caress my sweat covered bronze neck and would follow up by my ear and the side of my head. A grasp from his hands pulled me into him as I leaned against his thriving body. i reached back and pulled him in closer and tighter as if I were never going to let go. Sweet nothings were whispered into my ear like lyrics from a song. The night continued on as he turned me around and pulled me in close. An urge from beneath began to grow and I wanted to seize the opportunity. We continued dancing until 3 am. We talked as we hugged and stated that we promised to see each other the following Thursday which is yet to come. I ended up following him out the door in search of my lost friend. We hugged once more. Something was odd about that night. Evan ws different. I have come to believe it had to do with the fact that I was sober for the first time with him while out. I usually drink my share of a bottle of Patron or from my co-pilot goose. Evan, I think, was aroused by the fact I acted interested in him just as much, if not more, sober as I did trashed like a freshman blonde with double d's. Thoughts ran through my head the next few days as I processed everything that happened. Later on in the weekend I convinced Goldenboy to attend a rave with me and 2 other of our friends. The truth shall come out eventually, I am not your typical druggie nor would I EVER consider myself one. I am more of an occasional user if you will. i picked him up in SB as the 2 of us rode down to the coliseum in LA. We talked a lot and learned quite a bit about eachother. We played the whole 100 questions game. We arrived and popped 1 each and started to dance. Goldenboy was rather quite excited to be there that night. E-tards we were as the night grew on. I blew against his skin as he rocked his half naked body to the music. I rubbed his head, hair, and body with the sweat that came from his pores. We drove home at 5 am. I dropped him off and we hugged outside my car. I drove home finding myself turning around 20 minutes later to return to his house to smoke and chill. We slept all day in his bed. Woke up as random people would come in and see our e-tarted asses smoked out and drugged up to only find ourselves smoking more and more. I have been with Goldenboy every day since last friday and I am actually getting ready to head over to his place now to chill with him and some friends. A lot fo progress has been made given the circumstances that only a few of you know. (Tyler, call me) Other than that my life has been filled with nothing but 2 boys and crazy nights. Who knows what will happen tonight? Another night for the records, another night for the books, another night for Goldenboy,

What a weekend

2008-08-05T17:38:00.001-07:00

So I've been M.I.A for the past few days so sorry to everyone! I have a lot to share with you. Still no Damon at this point and I find myself not really caring. I emailed Joe, the boy who I slept with, literally just slept with, and apologized for being a tease and what not. On Friday, I was determined to get drunk, didn't know with who or where but it was bound to happen even if it was by myself. A text came through as I was planning my night and a few friends and Goldenboy asked if I was willing to pick up some alcohol and party with them. So I picked up some Patron, Jose, and some Tecate since it was still Fiesta and we all wanted margaritas. The Patron was primarily for me as I hate cheap tequila. We drank and drank in Goldenboys apartment until the girls we were with passed out. Goldenboy and I sat at the table and talked over some Tecate since we were out of Margaritas. We smoked a bowl and continued talking. the next thing I remember I was sitting in his couch texting someone at what I thought was 5:20 am but from what I could research it was 3:20. I slept until 10 when Goldenboy woke a well. We all mad plans to go to the gay club in LA that evening. We rested and I attempted to text them and see what they were up to. Goldenboy texted me as I was already on my way to LA so he was a no go. We went to the club after much drinking in the parking lot. A friend from high school that was gay as well and I haven't seen in over a year met u with me that night as well. That night was the first night I've ever gotten in a fight, none the less a gay one. A friend i was with started having altercations with an old ex friend of a few of theirs. The guy started cussing at us and proceeded to flip us off calling us assholes and what not. Well my straight friend doesn't put up with that shit and shoved the shit out of the guy and scared him shitless. Not much of a fight but a bitch fight I guess. Still a first. We went back to our friends house and had a gay sleep over and all passed out there. The next day was filled with beach fun activities with a friend and a few others from work. I drove back to SB that night and chilled at home. The next morning I headed back down to LA to go to the beach once more with a new beach goer and one of the guys from the day before. Same stuff as usual but a lot more Skim boarding and body surfing for the day. I am in the process of moving to LA to get out of Santa Barbara. I've been house hunting for the past few weeks and have come across an amazing apartment plus it's a steal! It is a 1 bedroom 1.5 bath in Marina Del Rey for only $700 a month which is unheard of. Apparently the guy that owns the place is out of the country for the next few years and wants someone to take care of it and treat it with a respect which I would do so. I am that gay. The gay that is obsessed with being clean and taking care of things. I'm somewhat nervous to live on my own completely, no roommates nothing, but it should be rather exciting. So for now I hunt for boys and homes alike. Who knows what tomorrow will bring. Today was a day of relaxation since I haven't spent 3 night in my bed in the past week and needed some homeness in me. Stay tuned!!!

Wow...

2008-07-31T12:10:00.000-07:00

A few days have past and a lot has developed. It currently is Fiesta in Santa Barbara so there are margaritas flowing and people a drinkin. I Hung out with some new friends I had made on Tuesday night after rescuing my roommate from his girlfriends house. We met on peculiar circumstances, I had strolled by her quaint corner apartment as Amanda , unknown at the time, yelled at me from her balcony. I chatted with her on my 3rd walk by and got her number, funny cuz she's a girl. As we talked I noticed a blonde, blue eyed, tanned boy standing next to her. We slowly made eye contact as if he were trying to figure out if I was gay. We had to go back to my townhouse, so I told them we'll hang out sometime as we did not have time to join there party. I actually wanted to but from working on my car, my tan hands had now become black and brown. Christian and I left for home. A few minutes of venting for him and I responded, "let's go to the party. We have nothing else to do and it looked like fun." I showered and got cleaned up knowing there was bound to be a good looking boy there that caught my eye. As we headed down 2 streets prior to the complex where we once began, we saw to police cars drive by, we jokingly laughed and said, "bet those were at La Brezza." As we pulled in, people were walking by, the party got busted for noise by a 50 year old couple down below. My opinion is that if you live in a college town, then an apartment complex where all the college students live, then your asking for noise, parties, people and more into all hours of the night. I had brought some cheap Smirnoff and Amanda, Goldenboy, Amandas friend and 2 other randoms finished 3/4 of it off. 1 of the randoms happened to be the ex boyfriend of Goldenboy. I was immediately crushed, if the ex is around, kiss the night good bye. I tried to get a straight boy naked which was working until he went and tried to make out with a random chick who turned him down. I proceeded to text Goldenboy to see where he and the ex had gone, at this point I wanted to be around gays, a more lively bunch. They sent me a text and said, "3 some, 264." Me being horny as hell and fed up with Damon i walked out of the apartment and headed to his. I went to 264 and no one was there, no one answered. I repeatedly texted and called like a desperate gay. I gave up. I headed to my car in the parking lot and passed out in the drivers seat with a towel around me for some warmth. I woke up around 7 and drove home. I sent a few texts out to everyone that morning and apologized to Goldenboy for being a drunk fool. Amanda had made plans to have me over with everyone else that night. I headed back to La Brezza to lay by the pool knowingly I may see Goldenboy, so in turn I oiled up and wore my mid-thigh length board shorts. I had learned the group was in fact watching me from the balcony above where I learned Goldenboy had lived. I went home and cleaned my house hoping maybe to impress a boy or another that night learning that a boy from Petaluma was driving down to party. All ready to go I headed downtown to pick up a girl at a bar which turned into 2 girls, Goldenboy and his ex. We arrived at the apartment where we would end the night. We drank a bottle of Smirnoff and began to party until the cops had shown up. We left to Amandas apartment with Petaluma boy beside along with Amanda and her friend. We laid down and talked until shit started going down. Amanda had gotten trashed talked by 2 neighbors and began to ruin the night. Her and her friend started getting people to leave at 430 in the morning to drive back to Petaluma. The 2 and only drivers had declined to do so. They threw fits as Petaluma and I laid and talked until 630 when Amandas friend had tried to tell him to get the fuck out of the house because they are leaving, not god friends if you ask me. I told him good bye and he told me he would text me later. I returned home and laid down but no text has shown up. In the midst of the night I received an email, from Damon. Stated that, "hey cool, I'd be down for the theme park. I'm not sure on when since I'm going to be really busy over the next week or 2." I said fuck it, I'm not dealing with that kind of shit, it's all in his court now if he wants anything out of me so I'm going to continue the search until someone shows some interest once more. As for now I have decided to get a job, My days are rather boring and I need something to do. I have an interview at a hotel today which I am almost certain I will be offered it on a silver platter. I'm going to rest today and see what it may bring, beach, fun, something.

Peace,

Tanner

Calm Waters

2008-07-27T22:19:00.000-07:00

My life continued on today as any other day in Santa Barbara. A stroll around my house after I woke preceding a night of Wine, Chocolate and brie. Delicious colors painted our pallets with multiple flavors of food as we toasted to Clueless. A stereotypical High School movie aimed at the many trends followed by wealthy teens in the Bel Air community of Los Angels. A classic for Alicia Silverstone where she made one of her largest debuts in the film industry, to me at least. I chose to take it easy and baby the apparent hangover that I did not feel caused by the cheap Carlo Rossi wine that I drank 50% of on my own. I got cleaned up and headed off to Costco and did some grocery shopping. Costco is a nightmare PS when you are by yourself. It's like being locked up in a cage with nowhere to run. I was urging for my phone to ring to give me some attention, make me feel less weird. I rounded things up and left the store to head to my friends house to lay by her pool. I arrived and no time to lay. We had to pick up my roommate, her boyfriend, from work. His car is in the shop after having 3 tires blow out on the freeway. On our way to pick him up I texted Damon to see how his concert went last night. The previous evening we conversed momentarily about the days events and I asked him out again this week sometime when he was free which he accepted openly. i have decided to take him to a theme park, 6 Flags Magic mountain or Disney Land. Both fun places to go so I'm still trying to decide on which one. I have not heard back from him at all today. I lump somewhat grew in my throat knowing that maybe he did not want to talk to me. I reassure myself that is not the case considering everything we've been through at this point. If it weren't for Tyler I'm almost positive I would be running around with my head cut off. I am usually not the chaser therefore making these bigger moves aren't as easy for me as they usually are. I will call him tomorrow and confirm when we are going to one of the parks so the two of us can have our hugging, screaming, spine chilling photograph taken upon some roller coaster. Tomorrow is another day and we will see what will come of it. I have now booked multiple photo shoots this week so it is going to get a little busy for me and a lot will develop with my modeling carer over the next few months. Good night for now cruel and loving world as I am taking a ride into the sauntering night.

Oh Happy Days!!!

2008-07-25T19:56:00.000-07:00

The past 48 hours of my life have been absolutely amazing!!! So many things have gone for a turn for the better. I spoke to my mother for the first time after a week if silence after receiving a text from her saying, "I love you and that you are always welcome in this house." (Tyler now jumping with joy) I think now my Mom has finally accepted me being gay. A huge accomplishment after my trying to reason to her. She has offered to help me pay my bills and support me when I need it. Ya mom!

As many of you may know but I have been looking for that "special boy." I happened to be looking at a friends Facebook page when I came across the most stunning, yes stunning, boy I have ever sen. His picture prompted me urgently to add him as a friend. I thought maybe it would be for some eye candy but I was wrong. Damon, the boy, is more then eye candy. I began to Facebook stalk him and proceeded to send him an e-mail saying, "You are Stunning!" I feel like a complete idiot but i said why not? We conversed over a few Small 1 lined e-mails that lead to me to send a rather honest and large e-mail. I stated in the note about how I was attracted to him in more ways then I had known. Damon has the most amazing jaw line, eyes, lips, hair, and skin so smooth it was perfect. He like what I wrote and so we exchanged phone numbers. Damon texted me a few hours later which began a huge novel of words. We talked and talked about many different things for 2 hours last night. Upon his arrival to his house after hanging with friends and talking with me, he found his younger brothers were having a sleep over and his bed was occupied. I joked about how he could come here if he needed a place to sleep, yet Damon live in Orange County, about 2 hours away. He tried to get a hold of some keys for a place he thought he could stay but failed to reach the keys. He texted me and asked if I would care if he crashed at my house. The kid, more like guy but whatev, he had nowhere to sleep. What was I supposed to say? I felt like I knew him and felt safe by him. I took a risk and said sure so he headed towards Santa Barbara at 4:45 AM. HE asked if I would talk with him on the phone while he drove to keep him awake, cute if you ask me. I was excited to see him. A random guy I pursued in a way. He pulled up this morning around 6:40 and I was greeted by a 5"10, tan, and athletic god. Damon was everything I had ever dreamed. We headed to my bedroom to finally go to sleep where we laid for 5 hours separately. Throughout the sleep I caught myself looking at him and thinking what if? We arose and i invited him to take a shower. As he bathed his luscious body I hopped in our other shower to get ready. We then headed out to get some food. We drove downtown and walked along State ST discussing Dog cat rat, likes and dislikes, and life in general. We landed at Pascuccis, a beautiful Italian restaurant. We each had a salad and fish. We kept up the conversation as we dined. I had paid for lunch and we then left to walk down by the beach. Damon had only been to Santa Barbara once prior but never left the 4 seasons. I challenged him to use his Heelys as we walked on the sidewalk. Damon is 22 but likes to have some fun and discovered the shoes/roller skates at goodwill the night before and it only seemed appropriate to wear them. We walked and talked as he often grabbed my shoulder to hold on to. We returned to my townhouse where we watched some TV and catch up on some rest we both needed. We then walked to dinner at natural cafe as the sun slowly set along the horizon. We had amazing food as always and had plenty to entertain each other. We walked back to my house and played some guitar hero. Of course he is amazing at everything and is gay, what more could I ask for? We hugged good bye tonight as he headed to Thousand Oaks to meet a friend for an event tonight at Avalon. I subconsciously didn't want him to dance or be with any boys in jealousy that this 11 was going to be talking around LA for everyone to see. I gave up searching for the boy but he happened just the way every one said how it should happen, it just happens! I'm sad to be without him tonight and want him to come back again. I think he will be the first really serious relationship I want to completely devote my soul and energy to. He may be the one!! As for tonight my roommate Nicole and I are going to have a family night and chill together. This was a day where everything goes in your favor and I could not be happier. He is perfect!!

Lazy days...

2008-07-24T08:54:00.000-07:00

So it's been rather bland and boring in my life since I've returned from WA. Not much has gone one other then me working a ton. Like to the point I would like to quit. I've been going all over southern CA looking for new and potential models and then other days I'm sitting in our offices looking through submitted photos for 14 hours. It gets kind of old. 2 of my roommates and I have been stuck on youtube for the past few days looking for some rather hilarious videos; search Dominique stand up comedy, you won't regret it. I'm hoping my uneventful life will turn around in the next few days, oh wait the phone is broke to. Apparently nothing is working in my favor at the moment but it's chill and it's only a rut that I know will turn itself around. I've been having a lot of things ramble through brain over the past few days about my life and what I want to do with that. School is a blur as I am going to just get my general ed's done at the moment and have no clue what I want o pursue for a career later on. I hope it will come to me soon as for paying out of state tuition is not fun, especially on my own. Tonight is supposed to be "Gay Day Thursday" in LA with some friends from work but we've all been very busy and I have not confirmed it yet so hopefully we can do gay day Friday, Saturday, or Sunday. I'm in need of some excitement and entertainment but I need to do a little more work before I get to that point. As for now I am going to go on a run and listen to some new remixes I've downloaded and just put everything off to the side for the time being until it is necessary to attend to each thing. Have a great day everyone and hopefully this Santa Barbara fog cloud wares off and leaves a beautiful day!

2008-07-21T12:47:00.000-07:00

Alright, it's been awhile as if you hadn't noticed but I was without internet for a few days up in WA. So a few updates and new things to bring to you. As for court last week, it really wasn't court I guess but we won in a way. Still very confusing to me but I'm out of the picture regardless so that's all that matters to me. My brother did get the bike, and now has no other vehicle which in Washington is stupid cuz you get snow there and can't really ride a bike in the winter when there is snow on the ground. As for my mom, well not good. She wants nothing to do with me and has decided to kick me off of her car insurance plan (which I pay my part) and is threatening to come down to Santa Barbara and take my car which I paid for completely and is in her name since I was a minor when I bought it. I am no longer going to try and speak to my mom. If she wishes to do so then so be it but I have tried and tried to reason with her but it fails every time. I was also told I would never be able to bring a boy home to even meet my family. Given my mom is the only one with the problem. Now my mom has officially cut off her entire family. Something she does way to easily. She exiled my sister a few months ago for moving in with my dad and wants nothing to do with my brother due to his apparent stupidity. My aunt has somewhat become my new mom over the past few months and during my whole coming out. I spent a lot of time with her this week at the lake and what not. My brother and sister have also gotten very close to her as well. She spends time with my step-mom and dad now given the circumstances so in a way we have a new family. It's been exciting to have a new bond with someone I care about very much. My aunt and "uncle" are the best. I was told I always have a place to stay at their house and if I ever bring someone home that he is welcome there as well. Lisa the lezzie has accepted her lesbian side almost completely. She still gets a little upset every once in a while when I say lesbians in reference to her but for the most part she has accepted it. A huge step if you ask me. Part of her family knows, mainly her brother and his friends which she considers family. She is more aware that no one cares and everything will be fine. Hopefully she progresses over the next few weeks. My roommate is having some major relationship issues that I've begun to ignore due to the fact that he gives in and contradicts himself. In my opinion they need a break for about a month and realize what they really want out of it. I have gained a weird attraction to my actual roommate, yet straight, there is something funny about him. We will see. as for now I'm off to the beach I think then maybe a run.

Lates, T

2008-07-14T22:55:00.000-07:00

So today I woke around 6 AM from a rather bland night of family friends gossiping and drinking around the table and bon fire. Reminisced with a few friends I had not sen in quite some time and headed home, nothing to special. Lisa went to her girlfriends birthday party and met her family. A big step I think for her at this point.

Today I went and got my hair cut with the most amazing stylist ever, Mandy, she cut my hair for about a year and is the best. I hadn't seen her in about a year, pretty much since I left Washington. Of course the hair went well. Today was supposed to be the day my mom got to spend with me which I was a little nervous for. You never know what to expect from her. We went to an amazing bistro on the South hill of Spokane, a very ritzy area, and had Gnocchi and salad. We conversed a little. There seems to be his awkward tension between us. I've been trying to overcome it by I can't seem to get passed it. We headed towards the valley, where she lives, to go shopping for some black pants she needed for work. She knows how I hate shopping, i know what I want when I go and leave asap. But I did it for her, even though she could tell I was not enjoying myself, I stuck it out. We then followed to the grocery store to gather food for this evenings dinner. Some bananas, apples, and milk were the only things we bought which had nothing to do with dinner. A few hours passed as we watched TV silently, she took a nap and I amused myself to some animal planet and Facebook. My Sister came over after while to see me which created some more awkwardness due to the fact that she and my mom are not on the best of terms based on some custody/legal stuff my sister caused. It helped to ease the tension for a little while. She left as my step-father arrived and we prepared dinner; some grilled salmon and Greek salad accompanied by corn. A rather delicious meal. My mom later decided to talk about my brother to me and I quickly tried to steer the conversation elsewhere. I hate talking about problems that I'm not involved in merely because I shouldn't be involved and it causes more stress for everyone when it shouldn't. My philosophy is that if you cannot change something that has happened then why fret? -Worrying is like a rocking chair, it gives you something to do but never gets you anywhere. - I later went to my cousins house to go over some legal stuff about a car accident I was involved in a few years ago that we are fighting against someone over. We will win, the guy is representing himself, a dummy if you ask me. Tuesday will be interesting and we will see what comes of it. I stopped by my brothers house this evening to drop a moto helmet off for him and was rather surprised he was doing well. He's gained quite a few extra pounds over the past few months. A switch we both made, me: fat to skinny, him: skinny to fat. Weird how that stuff works. Im actually starting to realize that I;ve kind of let this weight gain I had to do go a little far and now I;m really starting to get ready to cut it. m face looked a little chubbier in the mirror at the salon today worrying me. Back to the gym for me religiously and tons of proteins!! Something I;m trying to teach my brother. Him and I are a lot closer now that I've come out. He wasn't very accepting when he first found out but is now doing well and it doesn't even phase him. Sad to say that at midnight that Spokane is completely dead but it's the spokanite way here, very boring crowd if you ask me. I have to force myself to stay busy.

2008-07-13T16:21:00.000-07:00

So i flew home to Washington on Friday to see my family for the first time in 7 months and it's the first time I've seen them since I've come out to them. I arrived Friday mid day to meet my sister and her boyfriend of 3 years (they are only juniors in HS). We went to see my aunt avoiding my mom, she's been way controlling given the fact she bought my ticket) I was more enthusiastic to see my dog that I pretty much raised. Sophie, an ugly Lhasa Apso but yet so adorable. I saw her once and I still miss her :(

We headed out that evening with my jet-ski and 4 wheeler in hand out to our lake cabin about an hour away. We ate dinner and had some limited texting to my friends. I miss them a ton and Im only 3 days in. My best friend Lisa is having some trouble coming to terms with her sexuality as a lesbian. She came out to me when she found out I was gay as well. She now as a girl friend but still says she will end up one day marrying a boy and having kids. We talked about all of this underneath the stars on my dock. I think I helped her clear up some stuff. She says she is turned on sexually and mentally by her girlfriend but thinks deep down in her head that it's wrong. In WA it's hard to get past this part due to the fact WA is very conservative, in Spokane at least. I told her she needs to get past all of the religious stuff and say FUCK what the bible says and what other people may think. She talked to her older brother mike, who is gorgeous p.s., and apparently he has fooled around with a guy we worked with for about a year but is completely straight now, whatever. I think she's on the right path to acceptance of herself and hope she does better.

Saturday we hung by the beach all day and tanned the skin. Hunted some birds with my Jet-ski on the water and did some wake boarding. A good day if you ask me. Headed up to the cabin and had some dinner as the day had flown by and we hadn't eaten lunch. By the way, camping is not good when your supposed to be eating healthy as for some reason no one brings any healthy food. We started a fire and got a little trashed and roasted some twinkies and smores as I played with my little cousin matthew who's 4. Love the kid.

Sunday we went riding up in the mountains. Saw some deer, cows, eagles, and all kinds of naturey shit. I love it though. We went back out on the water and cruised the lakes. Hunted some more birds as usual. Lisa and I had to leave early today since she had to go to her girlfriends birthday party wand meet the family. My mom was pissed and caused a scene at the beach about us leaving, partly i think it was caused on the frustration due to the fact that I'm gay and gave her an excuse to be a bitch.

I'm home now and catching up on my electronic life that I've been missing all weekend, what would we do without technology? The day isn't over yet so who knows what could happen with my mom tonight. I miss everyone back home and can't wait to see them. Mostly my straight but hot roommate who I've gotten really close with and can;t wait to play some guitar hero with him. (yes I'm 12) but aren't we all big boys just with different toys?

-lates,

Tanner

Playin the field...

2008-07-10T10:26:00.000-07:00

I find myself these past few days confused and alone. I've been out to all my friends in Santa Barbara since November of 2007 and I am now completely out to my entire family as of 4 weeks ago. Last October I met someone who intrigued me. I am the kind of guy who seeks out the mysterious hottie that no one understands or hangs out with. I found Blake; a hot dirty blonde/brunette guy with an amazing body from what I could tell. Blake and I conversed quite a bit considering I was the only one he would talk to at work (Abercrombie & Fitch) given that he hated everyone we worked with and vise versa. At that time I was still in the closet as was he. I was also working for American Airlines at the time and had not yet added anyone to my benefits to fly. I in turn was secretly interested in me and as was he in I. I had left for a week as did he to go home for Thanksgiving. We found ourselves instant messaging each other constantly anytime we were near a computer and would make it a point to "meet" online and talk. At that time we were just "friends." We had not discussed the other being gay but I knew for sure from some stories I had heard, his slightly gay voice, and my extremely well tuned gaydar (which has never been wrong). On our last few days of chatting we agreed to hangout and get super drunk at his place and waste the night away. I awaited in anticipation for that night to come to see what came about. As I walked to his apartment i was nervous and excited acompanied by some blue berry smirnoff and some Dole juice. We drank and drank talking about life and work. 10 PM grew near he stated he was tired and wanted to go to bed, "Blake it's 10 and we just started drinking" (well for 2 hours). He whined a little more and a little more and I replied I'm staying on your couch and as he walked by he grabbed m arm and was like you can sleep with me in my bed. As shocked and excited as I was I found myself walking down the hallway with a massive boner and our hands tied. Blake completely undressed himself in except for his abercrombie boxers. I found myself in mine as well, and in the dark with light coming in from the moon outside. Blake reached over slightly laying on me to turn some music on as we joked about the N*sync that started playing. We found ourselves moments later caressing each others skin and making out in his bed. Underwear came off and the rest is history. Let's just say we both were very satisfied at that point. i cuddled him the rest of the night until the next morning as I headed off to work we gave each other a hug good-bye. From that point on I found myself wanting blake, in a non-sexual way as well. I had found I was seeking a boyfriend. Blake and I had not hung out for quite a while after that, months had passed it was so long. I found out later on that Blake had found a boyfriend and came out to some people. He was changed. I still find myself jealous when I hang out with him which i do so more now. Am I jealous from lust or jealous of love? I've been searching and searching and have been bouncing from boy to boy finding myself unsatisfied with what I get. A few dates, a few times of fooling around and meaningless sex (which i rarely have sex). I find a boy and then someone else more beautiful in so many ways comes along and I fall for them and go for it leaving the other in the dust. Have I become conceited asshole who is always looking for something better? I found myself this week leaving a boy of a few days and in bed with another on the first date. His name is ken, somewhat odd given that my dad and grand father have the same name. Our bodies rubbed together as we finished with his chiseled abs tightening and a smile on his face. We continued to the shower to clean up where the action did not stop. Our hands began to prune ass we kissed and played under the hot water with his back up against the wall. Water isn't always free so we concluded at one point and resumed getting dressed the off came the clothes again to cuddle. We laid for another 30 minutes making out and I had to leave. I thought to myself today and asked, "What am I doing?" Am I after lust or love? I realized I like older guys due to their sense of maturity versus the 19, 20, and maybe 21 year olds. Ken is 6 years older than me and I am only 19. Is he to old for me? Am i to young for him? There is a part of me that says that I'm not ready for a relationship and that I need to play the field a little more if you will and see what's out there. Many of my friends turn to me to help them with their straight relationships as well as 1 possible relationship on the other side of the US yet I have never met either of them in person but hopefully will soon. Do I seem like the type that gives good advice given that I have not been in a serious relationship in quite some time? Who knows. Ken and I are going to hang out tonight after he gets done with a gay pride event he is going to here in Santa Barbara. As for now this is it, see ya tomorrow!

Is it really what it's all cracked up to be?

2008-07-05T10:30:00.000-07:00

This past 4th of July I spent alone in hopes of preserving something I've been longing for and to gain a sense of self happiness. I've found myself searching lately for that special something. Is that special something really there? Over the past few months I've encountered things that make me so called happy but given a few days after I have sought it I find myself bored and un-amused. I lose interest, lose hope as for I feel like I am waiting for something better, more attractive to my taste in light that I will eventually be satisfied. I found myself rummaging through facebook the other day and browsing y friends I had online. I noticed one that I had but for some reason I had not known how I knew this person or how I added them. I simply messaged just to throw a bone or a hook to see if I would get a bite. I nibble I had received, one that turned into bite. I met up with this person at a rather late hour as I was maybe hoping to satisfy my urge to fool around. On the contrary, we ended up conversing for hours upon hours into the wee hours of the morning. We found ourselves laying in my bed holding one another tightly as if nothing were to interfere with the bond we had created. We laid in bed that following day for quite some time clutching our bodies together. Deep conversation arose for a few more hours as our stomachs began to growl with emptiness. We continued the conversation downstairs over some beer mixed with OJ accompanied by eggs, hashbrowns and sausages. (not my typical diet) I pulled my sense of self back in and thought, "Could this be the one?" The day continued as I made dinner for my friends and this so called "significant other" of mine. The night fell and we returned to my townhouse where we watched I am legend (a decent movie done by will smith but is easily determined) with a one of my roommates. I had to take them home as they were watching a friends dog for the remainder of the weekend. I've recently learned the consequences of a DUI on the sate of California as for my roommate has recently received one and so has this "other." I found myself gazing and lost in their eyes as we laid on the bed in the apartment accompanied by a cat and schizophrenic dog. I was rather tired and fell asleep in the arms of another for a second night in a row. I feared the next morning as we woke around 1 am that we may be spending to much time together. given that we only have known each other over a mere 24 hrs i saw something, something I have not seen in anyone before. Something promising that I knew I had to seek out. I drove home in light of meeting up again later that night to celebrate the 4th among the fireworks and friends. I realized maybe we are moving to fast? I've seen this before In my past relationships (or what I call relationships) that I get bored rather quickly and lose interest and was afraid of being on the same track as before. I declined to call or answer for several hours in hope that they would make plans for themselves which turned out correct. I chose the path to stay home and spend the nights events by myself. We conversed a few times via text with nothing to juicy to reveal. I sought out to text a boy named Tyler as for he is my innocent flirt. I have yet to meet Tyler in person as for I met him through facebook in fat chance to find someone hot to maybe fool around with or to create a new friendship. I caught myself intensely flirting and wanting Tyler naked in my bed or in my shower with me. His washboard abs and beautiful body pressed up to mine. In his words, "bucking the bull with me!" I have urges to seek after lust to just "get off." I realized I am in a predicament. Tyler does not come back until September from NY and I may be starting a relationship. Yet regardless of the status of my relationship at that time I fell the need and urge to fuck him or fool around with him to satisfy the desire that has been longing in my bones. Tyler is in his own predicament at the time as well but we both converse on these odd relationships and still manage to tell each other that we are horn dogs for the other bodies, lips, and cock. Why when we both are so far apart, have never met each other in person, and have "significant others?" Could he be the one?

The life of Me

2008-07-05T09:53:00.000-07:00

How do you begin to write your first blog? With todays events? With last years anomalies? My wandering brain feels as if I just explained today that you would not understand who I am but if I explained into my past you would rather be confused. So in turn I will fill you in on the basics. I'm 19 years old and I live in sunny(well smokey right now) Santa Barbara, CA. I moved here about a year ago in pursuit of a new life; one that I can control, one that I can choose the way I live, learn, and act on. I am from Washington State far on the right. A community lacking diversity and change. Southern California has opened many windows to me as I am now pursuing a modeling career which could not be achieved If i stayed in Washington where I used to weigh 225 LBS and currently weigh 175. I have opened many new doors and avenues over the past few months and year that I hope will take me places never expected. I sign off of this blog leaving you with a question to ponder; Should life really be typical?